Disclaimer: The Daily Tar Hell is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
It’s that time of year again on this campus. Most of the UNC men’s basketball team is focused hard on Wednesday’s game against the #NotOurRivals NC State Wolfpack. The team is preparing and practicing very hard to top its 51-point victory in January, even though that team is, again, #NotOurRival and we don’t care in the slightest about beating them.
However, one member of the team, freshman guard Seventh Woods, remains wracked with worry over a personal family emergency. Seventh is working alongside all members of his family to find two missing members, his beloved older brothers Fifth and Sixth Woods.
Chapel Hill police have been searching for the two members of the large Woods family for weeks. The two were last seen on the annual Woods family camping trip last weekend, organized as always by family patriarch First Tree.
Members of the family noticed the two were missing one morning after going for a walk the night before. For the nature-loving family, the unthinkable had happened: Two of its beloved members had gotten lost in the woods.
Fourth Forest, the boys’ uncle, is a detective with the Chapel Hill police and is working tireless hours in an effort to find Fifth and Sixth, and return Seventh’s focus to something much more important, a game this school cares nothing about.
“I just want to bring my nephews home,” Forest said in a statement. “We are doing everything we can to find these boys. The fact that they could be out there, scared, lost in the woods, surrounded by trees is just terrifying to me.”
A suspect in the boys’ disappearance is one Grace N. Allen, a family enemy who always makes a trip to try and spoil the Woods family festivities. He was spotted around the family’s campsite early that evening before being chased away. The family had hoped they might be rid of him indefinitely, but now fear that was not the case.
“Whenever this family is having a good time, Grace always manages to come by and bring that crashing to the ground,” the boys’ father First Woods said. “I fear he may have brought my sons with him on one of his infamous trips. I can only hope it won’t be such an indefinite length of time until my sons are brought home safely.”
As the investigation continues, the family has had to try and figure out how to keep Seventh’s focus on such an inconsequential basketball game.
“We thought about not telling him at first,” Seventh’s mother said. “Things have always worked out for the best for this university when it comes to not telling people things and concealing the truth. It’s sort of a family tradition for us, that’s why we wanted Seventh to go to UNC. But, with this, we just did not feel right. Fifth and Sixth are his idols, the ones who first taught him that going to class is just not what college is about. I knew he’d never forgive us if we didn’t tell him.”
As the days grow closer to Wednesday’s not-big-at-all game against NC State, the family holds out hope that Fifth and Sixth will be able to watch their brother play against the school that means nothing to him, the one that had the audacity to beat his real rival, Duke, on the road when this school could not.
The Woods family thanks everyone for their continued support of its efforts to bring their lost sons home.
