Dear Avani,
My girlfriend of two years recently got pregnant. It was unplanned; so naturally, it was quite a shock for both of us. I told her that I would be more than willing to raise our child together. It wouldn’t affect our schoolwork as we are both graduating in May. She brought up the idea of getting an abortion, but I told her that I didn’t morally agree with the practice. However, over spring break, she had an abortion anyway, and didn’t tell me about it. I am reeling right now; I thought she was my soul mate and that we would eventually have kids down the line anyway. Now, I don’t know what do. Can I forgive her?
– Former future father
I am very sorry for your loss. I can understand how shocking your situation is, and I sympathize with your circumstances. Firstly, no one can tell you whether or not you can forgive your girlfriend for what she has done; that is a personal decision that you have to make on your own. I strongly believe, though, that forgiveness is a powerful thing, and it takes a lot of courage and even more personal strength to forgive someone. Forgiveness does not by any means mean that you accept what the other person has done as correct, or that you support the decision they choose to make. In a way, forgiveness is less for the person who is receiving it, and more for the person giving it. It’s the only way you will be able to move on from the situation. As unfortunate a situation that it is, it is irrevocable and you must overcome it. You won’t be able to go without forgiving her for what she has done.
I can’t promise you that things between you and your girlfriend will be happy-go-lucky; that baby was just as much yours as it was hers, and it was unfair that she made the decision of an abortion against your prior discussion with her against it. However, she was in a very compromising situation and may have acted in fear or shock. That is, of course, by no means a justification of what she did. Understand though that she is in far more of a compromising place than you are when it comes to pregnancy. The fact that she went against your will and did what she felt right for herself was not the right thing maybe for your relationship, but to her it was the right thing to do for her. As you two graduate, you are about to begin your lives in the real world. Maybe it wasn’t the right time for her to take that responsibility or she was just scared of the consequences a baby will have on her life or your relationship.
As a responsible boyfriend, you did your part of being there and taking responsibility for the baby and her. Maybe she was just not responsible enough to take that commitment yet. Whatever the case, she made a decision that has affected both of you. And as two units of a relationship, the two of you have to mutually come to a decision for the future. If she is your soul mate and you feel that the abortion won’t change that, move forward, putting what has happened in the past, but taking from it the important lesson of complete and total honesty in a relationship.