We’ve all heard about the thwarted terrorist attack by the infamous “underwear bomber.” And we are all well aware of the new, over-the-top screening measures the Transportation Security Administration implemented as a response. But we’ve missed the real point of the attack.
The terrorist clearly wasn’t trying to make us more afraid of terrorism. For the most part –judging by the paranoia of most of the public officials and talking heads in the media — it’s clear that if our troops don’t invade another country by week’s end, the extremists will murder us all in our sleep and gain control of the sun. I’ve heard Roger Ailes, the president of Fox News, has a mini convoy of guards in sport utility vehicles and a camera watching the area outside his office, presumably so he has people to shoot the ubiquitous terrorists and can see exactly when to activate the super-secret security system in his office upon seeing an extremist (or person he just doesn’t like).
No, the real point of the underwear bomber’s attack is this: our underwear is the freedom extremists hate most.
Think about it; extremists want all women to cover every inch of their skin, head-to-toe, save for their eyes. Do you really think they went through all that trouble just to let some woman wear a thong under all of that? Or, heaven forbid, forgo underwear entirely and leave the bra at home?
Here in America, we are clearly blessed with the freedom to wear whatever underwear we choose: boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs, brief-boxers, broxers, boxefs and bikini briefs for men and granny panties, non-granny-panties, thongs and several other undergarments which probably have a name I’m not sure I want to know for women. And in this proud United States, if we wake up the morning after and can’t find all the articles of clothing we had on the night before, darn it all if we can’t just walk home with whatever clothes and underwear we can find. Further, sometimes underwear is so damned inconvenient, particularly if one chooses to wear a rather form-fitting garment — it is a God-given right that we have the option between dignity and the unsightly lines others might see if we don underwear.
Of all the freedoms we have, the right to choose what underwear to put on when we roll out of bed is one every American can appreciate. Privacy is a nebulous concept, negated by the fact that whatever insanely stupid crap we might do will probably end up on YouTube or CollegeHumor the next day. And the abortion debate involves doctors and religious fundamentalists, two groups of people I prefer to see on television, whether it be in “House” or on some Sunday morning televangelist program. Your underwear, on the other hand, is right on your body — unless, as mentioned earlier, you choose to forgo wearing it. Clearly, the Framers of the Constitution knew what they were doing when they called it the “elastic” clause, as we are entitled to wear our underwear, preferably with some sort of elastic to make sure it stays on (unless otherwise designed).
And for the record, I’d like this column to serve as notice. I’m pretty sure this plotline would be great for a terrible porn film, where the porn stars pretend to be government agents in protecting our thongs. If anyone happens to see such a new porn of this nature, let me know so I can contact my attorneys. And again, God Bless the Underwear States of America, where we can CHOOSE what goes on underneath our clothes.
