Disclaimer: The Ivory Belltower is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously.

Bake sales are an excellent way for student organizations to raise money for their philanthropic endeavors. Regular old brownies are cheap and easy to make, but they don’t sell for much and everybody bakes them. To vary your supply offerings and raise 10 times more dough, you should offer a special product for your customers.

This recipe offers a refreshing, minty twist on the classic pot brownie. Here’s what you’ll need for commercial production to make about 2,500 servings, which will result in a return on investment of around 1,600 percent. This analysis assumes that you purchase the weed in bulk for a cost of around $1,500, buy the other ingredients wholesale and sell the brownies at the street value of $10 each.

• For the cannabutter
  • 1/2 lb. (227 gm.) of marijuana, freshly ground
  • 32 sticks of butter, or one really long one
• For the brownies
  • 125 packages of brownie mix
  • 3 gallons of butter, melted
  • 2 gallons of water
  • 21 dozen eggs
  • 125 boxes Andes Mints
• For the frosting:
  • 32 sticks of butter, softened
  • 8 gallons of powdered sugar
  • 3 quarts of milk
  • 1 cup of peppermint extract
• For garnishing, mint leaves and powdered sugar

1)     Go to your nearest local dispensary. We highly suggest purchasing from local vendors, namely Big Q who works out of Pullen Park from 11 p.m. to 4 a.m. on weeknights and Saturdays. He’s always got that loud.

2)     After finely grinding the weed in a blender, put it on several baking sheets and bake for about 40 minutes at 240 degrees Fahrenheit. Remember to rotate the sheets partially through to ensure even cooking. This step is called “decarboxylation” or decarb for short. Decarbing is vital as it activates the acid-forms of cannabinoids in the marijuana, resulting in a stronger end product.

3)     Meanwhile, bring a kiddie pool of water to boil and add the butter. Since THC is soluble in fat and not in water, all of the good stuff will get trapped in the butter.

4)     After taking the marijuana out of the oven, add it to the boiling water/butter mixture and let it all simmer for about three hours on low heat. Make sure that the marijuana stays about two inches off the bottom of the pot to allow for even heating and prevent burning. During the cooking process, allow for plenty of ventilation so that you don’t stank up the place.

5)     When done, the entire mixture should be a green/brown color. Strain this through some cheesecloth.

6)     Mix the cannabutter with the rest of the melted butter. This stretches the marijuana further and allows you to make products of reasonable size and dosage. Combine brownie mix, eggs, butter and water in a large mixing bowl. Stir generously.

7)     Pour half the mixture into your baking vessel of choice. Layer on the Andes Mints and add the rest of the brownie batter. Bake for the suggested time and set aside to cool.

8)     Vigorously whisk the softened butter, powdered sugar, milk and peppermint extract to make the mint frosting. Apply to the cooled brownies. Garnish with a dusting of powdered sugar and a sprig of mint.

To drink with your brownie, we suggest a hot chocolate with a heavy hand of peppermint schnapps; the mint flavors complement each other. To eat with the brownie, have some Funyuns for a classic sweet/salty pairing.

Editor’s Note: Technician does not condone the production of this recipe in North Carolina, as marijuana is still illegal. Please enjoy these brownies responsibly in a state/country where it’s legal, like Colorado or Uruguay. Remember to account for altitude though in your cooking, as parts of these locations can be quite mountainous.