Disclaimer: Technishit is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously.

Do you feel like you can touch your tongue to your elbow? Make a paper airplane? Knit a scene from “Minions” out of dental floss? Then YOU may be eligible to write for Technician!

Any student can qualify to add to the accumulated word count of the newspaper. But, it is important that students act now. With a down payment in three oranges, mismatched socks and half a cardboard box, students are eligible to become official writers. Fried Twinkie lovers, unicorn onesie wearers and people who like the color orange are advised not to apply.

To best understand which part of the paper suits the color of your tie, an ugly hat will be placed upon your head and the designated section that laughs the most is where you belong.

Sports:

Only games won by NC State are covered in the paper. Aside from the popular sports of racquetball, underwater frisbee and live Chutes and Ladders, it is rare that Sports writers have any sports to report about. To compensate for the lack of content, sports staff hosts a betting pool over all sports included in the 1952 handbook of approved sports and regulations.

News:

Topics are picked from the first 10 phrases created by random word generators. Afterward, 11 pigs are branded with leads derived from these ideas. The pigs race down the hall of Witherspoon, down the stairs and the first one to reach the campus cinema becomes the top story. Writers in this section are then assigned a pig for their topic and to spend the day with. As vegan socialists, these staff members pamper the pigs with croissants and bacon-wrapped asparagus bites before driving in specialized Technician trucks to donate the pigs to the NC State’s veterinary school.

Features:

In this section it is always important to pick the most insignificant topic. Turning this into a piece that everyone cares about, Technician creates a uniquely tasteless article The Daily Tar Hell would not think to write about. Making this section especially unique, the Features section uses the Mii generator outside the Talley Food Court to create a profile of a student. After selecting diverse characteristics, Features uses the student database to find someone that best fits their Mii profile.

Opinion:

It is a known fact that the Opinion section is the most accurate representation of NC State University. Each week, students from this section steal a yoga mat from Carmichael to meditate in Pullen park. Guided by a homeless individual and the creative energy of little kids in the park, Opinion writers receive a revelation on what to write. Blessed by the flying spaghetti monster, students reach an enlightenment of Communist Marxist Propaganda. The most effective subliminal messages include running five miles to eat a dozen donuts, leaving bananas in water fountains and dressing in clown shorts while blowing bubbles around a howling cow.

To best fit in with the culture at Technician, we recommend a visit to the official office. A guided tour allows students to view the bubble wrapped furniture lounge, murals of bee movie puns and a toaster. Students can also participate in taking shots for every mean comment our paper receives from Tuffy Kimmel’s live tweet reading.