Disclaimer: Technishit is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously.
Technician has been receiving a lot of criticism lately for its biased and one-sided opinion columns, especially concerning the recent election. To combat this prejudice, Technician has chosen to hire one token Republican writer to balance out the countless millennial communists who have made the Opinion section their platform to spread extreme leftist propaganda.
Bobby Ray Jones, a junior studying agriculture, has been awarded the coveted position with the highest of esteem. Although Jones has no previous editorial writing experience, he was the only candidate whose column did not source 247libertynews.net — well-known to be biased and unreliable (unlike the Opinion editors’ favorite news source, everydaysocialism.org).
Jones was especially motivated to write for the Technician because he read a column titled “7 best ways to burn your flag.”
“I figured, how high could their standards possibly be?” Jones said. “If they can write that kind of stuff, I should be able to say that I don’t think America is the new Nazi Germany.”
After Jones accepted the invitation to write for Technician, he was informed of the section’s rules for writers, which are equally applied to everyone.
“They told me that the editor would have final say on what I write, which is fine,” Jones said. “Then they said I couldn’t write anything that could possibly hurt anyone’s feelings, I couldn’t write anything that could possibly be interpreted as any sort of -ism or -phobia, and I couldn’t write any of my columns below a Ph.D-thesis reading level. So I said fine.”
Although it was a great decision to add some political diversity in the section, the dynamic of the section has changed. For many of the writers, having Jones at the weekly meetings has been their only real interaction and conversation with a person with conservative views.
“I’ve never met someone with different views than me,” said Solstice Arrow, a Marxist columnist studying philosophy. “I don’t understand most of the things that come out of his mouth. What even is a ‘MAGA’?”
The communication barrier has been a huge problem for all of the Opinion writers. There has been an influx of complaints about Jones having infiltrated writers’ safe space, which is causing students not to want to attend many of the weekly meetings because they feel triggered by Jones’ presence, especially given that he voted for Donald Trump.
“I just can’t accept it,” Arrow said. “I know free speech is what lets me write that the government is fascists, but he can’t really say ‘Hillary Clinton wasn’t very relatable to me,’ right to my face, can he?”
Jones said that he hopes readers will keep an open mind to his conservative opinions, given the paper’s normally overwhelming liberal bias.
“I’m just happy to be the conservative voice in the paper that isn’t the punching bag in the satire section,” Jones said.
