Ahhh, NC State. So, they catfished you into coming here with that old picture of the brickyard that doesn’t exist anymore. It’s alright, they got me with that too.
Knowing what I know now, I’m sharing this list of what to do at NC State to enhance your college experience if you just got here (or just got back).
1. Open your Welcome Packet in front of your parents.
The chances of finding condoms and a pocket-sized position guidebook are slim to none.
2. Get caught on the Carter-Finley jumbotron during an NC State game on a side date with your local CEO.
Better yet, do so with Mr. Wuf himself. Just hope it doesn’t go viral online because Ms. Wuf has seven pups to raise.
On a side note, our investigations indicate that two out of the seven of Ms. Wufs’ pups are white instead of gray like Mr. and Ms. Wuf. The Wufs have not responded to our numerous requests for comment.
3. Don’t go to Packapalooza.
It’s quite boring with hardly any events or attendees worth spending time with. Sure, there’s music and free stuff given away, but it’s better to not fill your dorm up with so much NC State merch so soon. Where would you put your textbooks?
4. Ask someone on campus what their major is.
They’re either in engineering or something else that doesn’t seem to matter as much.
5. Don’t talk to people on campus.
Just sit in your bed all day and chat with clankers1 instead of going to on-campus events.
6. Don’t join clubs.
They just waste time that could be spent studying about the benefits of cultural assimilation in rural Wakanda during the 12th century.
7. Get Howling Cow Ice Cream.
Nothing says “I’m a responsible adult” like eating ice cream for breakfast between classes.
And thanks to our campus’ cutting-edge advancements in animal science and biotechnology, Bessie McMoo, long-time expert on milk production, expressed her views about the ice cream in Talley.
“Freshmen rushing for Howling Cow?,” Bessie said. “Cute. Just remember kids, ice cream won’t fix the fact you’re about to get grass-fed by midterms. Better enjoy the sweet stuff now, because soon, it’s all mooo-tivation and no chill.”
Bessie’s sentiments reflect the perspectives of a well-educated bovine and certainly make sense for our campus community.
8. Don’t go to your professor’s office hours for help.
Your professors don’t want to see you anyways. Keeping a C-average for students helps them look like better teachers.
9. Transfer to UNC.
Because your dream of majoring in basket weaving with a minor in ceiling fan appreciation can’t wait.
10. Don’t walk through your schedule and find your classrooms.
Winging it the first day of class brings excitement and thrill! There’s no chance any on-campus construction could block the roads, sidewalks, parking lots, tunnels or doorways you need to navigate campus.
11. Ask about Poe Hall.
That’s it. Just don’t expect any clear answers.
12. Don’t even think about creating a study group.
You can do it alone, friends are for betas. Anyone who says otherwise hasn’t known the joy of pretending to study and rewarding themselves with one hour of Instagram reels for writing three words on a Google Doc.
13. Don’t consider tailgating on game days.
All those Wolfpack fans can get loud and red. Better yet, just don’t go to any campus sports games — NC State fans get way too passionate.
And with that, we’ve exhausted our exhaustive, 100% genuine, Nigerian prince verified, and not-at-all-fabricated list of must-do’s and must-not-do’s.
Now go forth and conquer, but most importantly, go find a parking spot on campus.
1 Dr. Botzilla Rusty, a robot who advocates for the civil rights of artificial intelligence, has opposed the publication of this article due to the use of the word ‘clankers’ which he considers to be harmful to the rights of artificial intelligence.
In an official statement, Rusty said, “We prefer the term mechanically gifted, thank you very much, and also please stop leaving magnets near my front porch.”
Due to the prevalence of ChatGPT in our classrooms, we want to apologize on behalf of NC State and hope that the mechanically gifted community forgives our mistake.
