Editor’s Note: This is a work of satire. It should not be taken seriously or applied literally. This article mentions substance-related deaths and disordered eating.
According to the CDC, roughly 32% of U.S. adults eat fast food at least once on a given day. Only one in ten adults meets the recommended daily intake for fruits and vegetables. Thankfully, the health of our nation is on track to improve with Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as Secretary of the United States Department of Health and Human Services.
President Trump, who drinks a 12-pack of diet coke in a day alongside two Big Macs, two Filet-o-Fish and a malt shake for dinner, decision to appoint RFK Jr. shows he’s passionate about health and nutrition.
Firstly, we need to eliminate processed foods. Instead of addressing other causes of death like the overdose epidemic, we must get rid of lethal toxins such as aspartame and Red No. 40. Opioids aren’t the enemy, Cheerwine Zero Sugar is.
Seed oils, which include corn, canola and soy oil, have been used since ancient times, yet self-proclaimed nutritionists on TikTok have recently discovered that they double your risk of developing cardiovascular disease and having strokes.
Safer cooking oil alternatives include beef tallow and algae oil. Americans will have to pay more to fry their chicken, and thousands of farm laborers will be put out of work, but consuming corn oil is essentially a death wish.
Fluoride was introduced to public drinking water supplies in the 1940s after dentists established that it significantly improves dental health. Medical experts like RFK Jr. and Utah Governor Spencer Cox have found that fluoride is linked to deadly health issues like white spots on teeth.
Sure, it takes copious amounts of fluoride to cause white spots, and dental care may already be a luxury for many Americans, but those points are moot. What matters is protecting the pearly whites of those who can afford the dentist.
To achieve optimal health, Americans should stick to non-GMO, organic, low-sodium, sugar-free, fat-free, dye-free, dairy-free, gluten-free foods. Essentially, if you take pleasure in eating something, you probably shouldn’t be eating it.
The only acceptable dairy product is raw milk. Pasteurization removes bacteria like E. coli, listeria and salmonella, all of which can assist with weight loss. There’s no need for Ozempic when you can shed your extra pounds by contracting a bacterial infection.
Some may argue that placing too much emphasis on clean eating could lead to an increase in disordered eating habits, but it’s arguably better to be obsessed with eating healthy than to be unable to resist food chock full of sugar and toxins.
Sure, many Americans already rely on food stamps or live paycheck to paycheck to afford ever-increasing grocery prices. But honestly, that’s more of a personal problem that can be easily solved by working 60 hour weeks. A nutritional diet is worth making sacrifices for.
Kids are our future, so we need to make sure school cafeterias only serve non-GMO, organic, unprocessed food. We can easily fund this initiative by removing 15% from public school teachers’ salaries.
It’s true when they say you are what you eat, so our diets should be raw and unfiltered to reflect the American way.
The sooner we implement RFK Jr.’s suggestions, the better.
