Families are foundational to society and its future rests in the hands of the parents who raise the next generation. It is natural for parents to prioritize their children while fulfilling their responsibilities, but too often, parents are only valued for this role.
Parenthood is difficult, and it takes much effort, patience and sacrifice, but many face identity loss because society only defines them by caregiving roles. While becoming a parent brings huge change to one’s life, being a responsible caregiver doesn’t entail neglecting yourself or your dreams. Parents should not be expected to only live for their children, but to also enjoy their own lives.
Many young adults are discouraged from becoming parents because they fear abandoning personal goals, leaving many feeling as though their lives have been cut short.
Regardless of age or stage in life, opportunities to learn, grow and pursue new interests do not end at parenthood. An example of this is NC State’s Osher Lifelong Learning Institute, a membership program that allows adults over the age of 50 to take classes and be involved in their community.
Marcia Werner is a mother and retired attorney who remains active in the legal community through volunteering and joining bar associations. After moving to North Carolina, Werner joined OLLI to establish a community for herself and pursue new interests.
“I love learning about all different things … I cannot imagine not being busy, that’s just who I am,” Werner said. “I know that people say that as we age, we become invisible. I haven’t found that to be the case.”
For some parents, dedicating their all to their children is a meaningful and fulfilling choice. Others are doing the best they can and don’t have the chance to focus on themselves given their circumstances. But this complete focus on parenting should not be the only option socially accepted.
“There are women and men who work very hard and successfully, but they’re not doing it because it’s really what they want to do,” Werner said. “I certainly think that that is a valid choice for anyone [but] it should be a choice.”
I have grown to understand that my siblings’ and my happiness is the greatest goal and source of contentment forI my own immigrant parents, who rarely prioritize themselves because they love through sacrifice. But I often think of who my parents are beyond this and wish they would think of what they want for themselves.
There’s no problem if parents find happiness in other things besides their children. But in the modern day, women are often thought of as “selfish” when wanting anything outside of domestic responsibilities.
Werner said the women of her generation were determined to prove that motherhood shouldn’t limit a woman’s ambitions.
“Our expectation was not that we were going to give everything up for our children,” Werner said. “Our expectation was that we were going to model for our children. Women’s equality in the workplace, and hope at home.”
Society pressures parents into feeling guilt for wanting anything for themselves and labeling them as “bad parents.” But a perfect parent is a dehumanizing myth that pressures parents into thinking that their efforts aren’t ever enough.
Parents are people, living life for the first time. Many make mistakes, but try their best.
When we see a parent following their dreams, we should support them and encourage them to express themselves freely, including parts of themselves that exist beyond parenthood. Many parents may feel they don’t deserve to care for themselves and should know they aren’t being selfish or making a mistake.
Parents aren’t meant to raise children and disappear into background figures. They are underappreciated and need to be given grace. We need to stop expecting parents to be perfect role models and undermining their wants and needs.
