The line between preference and racism is thin and often very vague. We subconsciously developed a list of dating preferences in our minds. Our preferences range from physical to social attributes. We tend to be attracted to individuals of certain heights, skin tones, socioeconomic backgrounds, intelligence levels, etc. Many of our preferences can be traced back to our environment, values and upbringing. Many of us are comfortable admitting some of their preferences, yet it remains a fact that preferences based on race are often very touchy subjects.

Dating sites based on preferences are in abundance. Christian People Meet, FarmersOnly.com and CougarLife are real websites whose entire existence are grounded in preferences. There isn’t an uproar about Black People Meet, and there is a popular hashtag on Instagram called “swirling” that encourages interracial relationships between blacks and whites.

Yet, numerous columns have been written stating that racial preferences are racist. Emma Tessler, a professional matchmaker, wrote an article entitled “Yes, Your Dating Preferences Are Probably Racist.” Tessler stated that 90 percent of her clients report having racial preferences and that 89.9 percent of these preferences are for white people. Tessler said this fact is “indicative of an entrenched and deeply troubling societal prejudice that we have been unable to overcome throughout the course of human history.” She went on to say that this is a problem because our preferences are shaped by society, and that seems to imply that dating white is socially acceptable.

While it is certainly true that dating is not void of white privilege, racial dating preferences are that bad. This may be my “unpopular black opinion,” but I feel that racial dating preferences are often handled in an unfair manner. 

Let’s be completely real here; it is not uncommon for black women to feel slighted by black men who date white women. As a black woman, I can attest to this, and I am by no means saying that this is the case for all black women, or even myself. Many black women with younger or older brothers may have heard this statement spoken by family members to their siblings at some point in their lives: “You better not bring home a white girl.”

I myself have heard this phrase before, thankfully never from my own parents. But I will admit that up until adulthood, I had never cringed at this statement. Yet, if I heard white parents tell their children that they could not date a black person, or other minority, I would be the first to protest it.

Here’s the thing: What you like is what you like. It is common to be attracted to those who look like you. OkCupid.com produced statistics that illustrate dating preferences among men and women of three different ethnicities (Asian, black, Latino and white), and it is a common trend that, generally, both men and women tend to favor individuals of their race.

However, it is important to assess why we possess certain dating preferences. For example, if I tend to be attracted to black men, it is worth noting why this is the case? Is it because I view other races as inferior? Do I associate black men with a certain quality that is impossible for other races to possess?

It is dangerous to say that you are only attracted to a particular group, because no group is homogenous. The statement, “All Asian men…” is a fallacy, so to possess a belief about all Asian men is illogical and prejudice. By definition, a fallacy is “a mistaken belief, especially one based on unsound argument”.

No, I am not encouraging you to dump your white boyfriend and date a black guy to promote diversity. Relationships are a sensitive topic, and race is arguably an even more delicate topic. Yet, in order to address any social biases or prejudices that we possess, we must first identify them. Preferences in general often limit us and prevent us from making meaningful and successful friendships and relationships. At the least, we will expand our horizons and find success in places we never thought were possible.