If you are reading this outside, then you are a brave fool, and you are doomed. Take shelter in the building nearest you, even if it is Harrelson . Now that we’re seeing beautiful little glimpses of spring weather, we all need to be preparing for a hostile takeover. All across campus, the weak-willed will fall prey to these mini-sized predators, better known as the Girl Scouts. They’ll be setting up their booths and prancing around in adorable cookie costumes, asking you to financially support their mission—presumably world domination—by buying their cookies. “Buy Caramel Delights; they’re delightful,” they’ll say. No matter how appropriately named their cookies are, you must stay strong.

I first spotted them last week as I rounded the corner to Clark Dining Hall. At first my eyes only focused only on the table. My heart then sank as I came to the realization: It’s that time of year again. I immediately stopped walking to put on my headphones. Overtly ignoring little girls is a jerk move, but not hearing them over Ludacris is excusable. With some distance between the table and myself, I slowed my pace. I was waiting for someone else to overtake me on the sidewalk; I didn’t want to be the victim. It seemed I had made a good decision. The person in front of me was weak, very weak.

Watching him being taken down by the Girl Scouts brought back images of lions taking down a baby water buffalo in the Battle at Kruger video on YouTube many of us watched in biology class. It’s as if they could sense the lack of a spine in the guy. They pounced on him and sunk their tiny little claws into his wallet. I walked past, kept my head low and didn’t dare to look back. I was sure the only thing left behind me was a shell of a man holding four boxes of Thin Mints. Readers, do not judge me, you all would have done the same.

It’s as if the scout leaders for these little tyrants are military strategists. Some of you may be familiar with Saladdin , the Arab general who took over Jerusalem in 1187. Saladdin would position his army around every source of water and caravan route on the war map. By controlling most of the resources in a very unforgiving desert, he was able to wear down the crusaders and ultimately achieve victory. Side note: I’m taking a medieval history class; extra credit please. The Girl Scouts have undoubtedly mimicked Saladdin by positioning themselves around our dining halls. They know we need to eat at some point. When we’re hungry and weak, they’ll be waiting. Do yourself a favor and take advantage of the to-go option in the dining halls; stockpile as much food as you can in the coming weeks before the Girl Scout appearances become more frequent.

All we can do is hope the Girl Scouts don’t get their hands on a credit card reader; that would certainly be a WMD in their hands. “Sorry, I don’t have cash” seems to be the only viable excuse in our arsenal. If they were to harness card-reading technology, University students would be left more broke than ever and reduced to wallowing in shame and cookie crumbs.

I was once a weak man. Let me tell you, there is nothing redeeming about opening and finishing two boxes of caramel delights in one day. We must all be strong in the coming months. To quote Shakespeare, “Something wicked this way comes.”