In less than one week, a cloud of musk and pheromones will hang over campus. Men and women will be preparing themselves for a night of awkward formality, uncomfortable clothes and regrettable spending. As couples cross arms to feed each other across the dinner table, there will be many more single people crying about their debilitating feelings of loneliness with their comfort food of choice in hand, and they’ll most likely be wearing Snuggies —I know I will be. We’ve all read columns in magazines that discuss all the dimensions of a healthy relationship, especially around Valentine’s Day, but rarely is there any relevant information for the perpetually single man or woman, so I’d like to take this opportunity to talk to the “forever alone” crowd.
Traditionally, single people celebrate Valentine’s Day by not getting out of bed and asking, “Why not me?” as they sob to The Notebook playing in the background. This year the Julian calendar is going to make our agony public by having V-Day on a Tuesday. That means we have to get out of bed to go to work and class, and on the way it’s very likely that you’ll see couples doing gross coupley stuff like looking longingly into each other’s eyes, swaying slowly as they embrace in front of D.H . Hill, or high-fiving .
We all have friends in relationships and we can’t stand to be around them because they are physically attached. I, on the other hand, am perfectly content knowing the only spooning I’ll be doing in bed on Valentine’s Day is with a jar of Nutella .
Valentine’s propaganda isn’t limited to the physical actions of couples, or Feb. 14 for that matter. It seems that in the preceding weeks, every morning I wake up, alone, and step out of the shower, alone, I turn on the TV, alone, only to see a Kay Jeweler’s or Zales commercial. “Buy her a diamond ring for that special day,” they say. Why, I ask. What purpose does a Valentine’s Day ring serve?
If I were a woman, this is what that ring would say to me: “Hey Cuddley Buns, I was on my way out of the door to the grocery store so I could buy some essentials. Our house is in need of some food and toilet paper so we can maintain homeostasis. However, on my way out I saw a Helzberg Diamonds’ commercial. It brought about an epiphany. Why go to the grocery store when I could take out a second mortgage to buy you this rock instead? Happy Valentine’s Day!”
Not many things taken from a relationship last forever, so what’s the point of a VD diamond? You can’t even eat it. I’d be much happier with a jar of Nutella , and I’d feel less guilty knowing that no one died in the hazelnut spread production process.
Then there are movies like The Notebook, Dear John and Twilight that make us all want to vomit ‘til the cows come home. The movies portray a false image of love; no couple caught in the rain is going to stop to make out. Today’s couple would run for cover while shouting expletives, expletives that I can’t print, but you know which ones I’m talking about. The only way to enjoy these movies is turn down the volume and dub them over with another single friend while you have a threesome with a jar of Nutella .
Side note: my relationship with Nutella is strictly platonic…except when it’s eros .
I realize this column is the final nail in my love life’s coffin, but that’s ok. I will never change my negative attitude toward the accursed day because it’s a very empty “holiday.” I urge my single readers to grab a friend and hate the day together. Go out to dinner and pay for each other’s meals. Go see a romantic movie and laugh at its absurdity, or you can stay in by yourself and enjoy a day in alone. Whatever you do, don’t be ashamed to be single on Valentine’s Day.
