Try as you might, you cannot escape its allure. Once you have attained one and activated it, you will find it nearly impossible to turn off. More than 137 million people in this country have fallen victim to its control, and that number is growing steadily every day. Its influence has been blamed for numerous calamities such as brain cancer, 10-car pileups, navigational interference and male pattern baldness.

What type of device could be so sinister? More than likely, you have one in your pocket or strapped to your hip right now. I am referring of course to the cellular phone, the device that most everyone seems to have but no one really needs.

Like most products, the cell phone started out with encouraging potential and the best of intentions. However, its usefulness has declined more dramatically than RSVPs to Dick Cheney’s next hunting retreat. What was intended to be a convenient means of mobile communication has become a device that people use far too frequently and unnecessarily, often with detrimental results. The main problem with cell phones today is they have gained control of their user’s time and money.

Many users now feel as though their cell phone is a basic necessity to living, right up there with food, shelter and cable TV. It seems as though we use these tiny devices so much that pretty soon our offspring will come out of the womb equipped with a phone fused to their head, outfitted with Internet browser, text messaging and 500 anytime minutes. Expectant mothers would be warned by the surgeon general to not only abstain from smoking while they are pregnant, but also avoid unnecessary travel, as this may incur high roaming charges for their growing baby.

We not only overuse our phones, we also spend tons of money on a device that is often impractical. Take camera phones for instance. Have you ever been having a pleasant conversation with someone on the phone when you suddenly had the urge to snap a picture of something? Not too long ago, people bought cell phones to be able to stay in touch with others in case of emergencies and to have a means of mobile communication. Now that our phones are equipped with cameras, we can document our trip to the store to buy the next extraneous upgrade that makes our phone perform basic trigonometry and change our car’s oil.

If you don’t believe cell phone usage has reached disconcerting heights, just wait outside a lecture hall for a class to get out. Try and count the people who aren’t on a phone. I guarantee one of the greatest tragedies that could hit this campus is if someone backed their car into the cell phone tower serving campus and knocked it over. Thousands would suddenly find they were forced to find other ways of communicating with their friends — like actually talking to them in person.

Not only are cell phones becoming an exorbitant and unnecessary waste of college student’s time and money, they are also rumored to be frying our brains. Many studies try to determine whether the electromagnetic radiation our cell phones emit is actually a recipe for a brain tumor souffle. While these studies have proven to be inconclusive at best, it is worth considering for individuals who generally try to avoid cancer.

While we may not really be frying our brains by talking on our cellie, we could be endangering ourselves in other ways. A recent study found that talking on a cell phone while driving can double a person’s risk of being in an accident. From the way many drivers seem to careen around this campus, I would say most folks could really do without a twofold increase in their chance of wrecking.

Even though cell phones are really an unnecessary expense and may contribute daily to accidents and disease, people continue to use them and in great excess. That is why, as one who has been a cell phone junkie, I propose we celebrate liberation from these controlling devices. Join me today in turning your cell phone off for a full 24 hours. It is possible, friends. I know it is because you and I both used to do it 10 years ago before cell phones ever crawled out of the depths of Cell Hell and began to consume our time and money and threaten our very existence.

So give that growing tumor a break, get out and enjoy the nice day. That’s what voicemail is for.

E-mail A.J. at [email protected]