In the past couple months I’ve become a big fan of hold ’em poker. I’ve gotten pretty good, mostly because I have made many mistakes and learned most of the elementary lessons of the game.
But the really nice thing about poker is that many of its basic lessons can be applied, with equal validity, to everyday life. So in this column I’d like to expound the lessons I have learned from poker, in hopes that they might prove of assistance to you in your worthless, contemptible little life.
The first lesson concerns bluffing. Bluffing is necessary in poker; if you never bluff, then players will always know when you have a good hand and fold, and you won’t get any of their money.
But you must bluff in life, too. All socially successful people are skilled bluffers. If a redneck frat boy is hanging out amongst his redneck frat brothers, and the conversation turns to some NASCAR race that he unfortunately missed, he must bluff his way through the discussion, offering little insights and observations on Rusty Wallace or Dale Earnhardt and hope that no one will call him out. If he didn’t bluff, his fellow rednecks would realize he didn’t see the race, laugh at him and spit tobacco juice in his face.
Again, bluffing is a necessary skill in dating. If a girl talks about her ex and all the crazy drama that’s happened between them, you must then produce some story about your ex and all the heartbreaking soap operas between the two of you. Even if your ex-girlfriend is purely imaginary, you must produce some story about her; otherwise you will not retain equal social footing, and your date will perceive you as the pathetic virgin that you are.
It is lucky that I mentioned the word “virgin,” since it calls to mind an excellent point. If you are a virgin, never try to bluff your way through a conversation about sex. There are too many nuances and intricacies of which you are unaware.
I once took part in a conversation in which a virgin made the remark that, “Everybody wins in sex.” This was a poor bluff, because any person experienced in sex knows that there is indeed a winner and a loser.
I could sum up my advice on bluffing by saying, “Bluff for small pots, but not for large ones.”
The second lesson I have learned from the noble art of hold ’em poker is that one little mistake can undo a great deal of hard work. If you play smart the whole game, accumulate a nice tall stack and then foolishly go all in, your stack will disappear and you’ll be back to square one.
In the same way, if you make a foolish mistake in life, that mistake can negate years of honest labor and careful living.
For example, my current career plan is to teach mathematics at some reputable university. I have worked hard at this for years by studying, acing tests and paying my dues. However, if I were to cheat on a test tomorrow, punch the graduate director in the nose or pull out a Zippo lighter and set one of my Calc II students on fire, my prospects as a professional mathematician would be totally annihilated.
It’s sort of a shame that life works like this, that a single mistake can be so costly; but that’s the way it is. I could sum up this lesson as “The prospect of disaster greets you every day, and every day you must avoid it. Live smart and don’t get burned.”
The final lesson I have learned from hold ’em poker is that a good situation can turn into a bad situation really fast, and when that happens there’s nothing to do but fold. A pair of kings is a pretty good hand, but if an ace goes down on the board, those kings become useless and the wise poker player will sigh, say “That’s poker,” and fold.
Similarly, if you are in a relationship that was once blissful, but has since become dramatic and thoroughly unenjoyable, you are advised to “fold” on that relationship. Yes, perhaps it was once really fun hanging out with that guy or girl, but just because it was fun then doesn’t mean it’s fun now. Good things can turn into bad things; it’s a sad truth of life. Know when to fold. That’s my final piece of advice.
Oh and one more thing: poker is a fickle game — it can be fun and it can be devastating, but it’s a hell of a lot better than solitaire.
Call Jeff’s bluff at [email protected].
