I am not what you would call a coffee houser. I make the occasional trip to whichever Starbucks the dead cat I swing hits, but it is not typically what I consider a good time. There are many reasons for this lack of enthusiasm, but the basic lack of etiquette that seems to thrive in the long-haired, Wi-Fi-using male that sets up tent at a table meant for three ranks number one on my list.
While at home over the weekend, I made the decision to go to Starbucks — not for the coffee, but for the chocolate donut (it’s that good). I hadn’t been there in a while, so my mind was open. Really, it was. Unfortunately, as soon as I walked in the door reality set in. I was at Starbucks, nothing had changed, what was I thinking?
The tables are the same. I don’t know where Starbucks, or any other obnoxious, self-righteous coffee shops get their tables, but they must set records. It’s like they took a nice-sized table for two and cut it into four separate “coffee” tables, just big enough for a cup. I think their next slogan should be “Starbucks, don’t get too comfortable.”
Now, that’s a slogan that can come with a guarantee because not only do the seats make one uncomfortable, the random stares add to the nightmare. Why is there always one guy sitting in a chair in the corner of Starbucks people-watching? I love how he brings a book like he’s actually reading it. It’s like, don’t spill the coffee, sketchy Steve in the corner will see you!
But hey, if that doesn’t get you, maybe the constant obstacle course that is Starbucks will. If you have ever been in a Starbucks, you know what I’m talking about. They line up their teeny tiny tables on one side of a narrow little hallway, so the tables can wave at the power cords on the opposite side. It would make way too much sense to put the power plugs on the same side as the tables. Apparently coffee doesn’t promote common sense. Wireless Internet means nothing if there are still power cords laying across the floor every two feet. “Starbucks, we guarantee Wi-Fi and free coffee for anyone that can locate a power plug!”
Oh, I’m not done yet. When ordering, make sure you bring something that makes you look intimidating or you will get shoved. Really, it happened to me this weekend. I was standing in front of the case in which all the food is held for ransom when a somewhat heavy set, middle-aged man shoved me out of the way to pick his favorite eight afternoon snacks. I stopped for a second, then looked around wondering “did that just happen”? I would have shoved him back, but he looked intimidating — point made.
When I stopped to think about the nightmare that is Starbucks, something puzzled me. How can one’s life be so bad that a job at a place like this sounds tempting? Getting paid minimum wage to make coffee for mostly high-strung, self-centered customers…yes! Sign me up! Look at it this way, it’s a job where one can only go up — or insane. Just depends on whether you see the cup half full or half empty. I’m a half empty girl myself because at Starbucks, half empty means I’m about to be done, and that’s an optimistic thought.
Plus, if all you really want is coffee, either make it yourself or go somewhere else. Starbucks does not mean “we serve coffee with a smile.” It means “we serve grande light cream mocha frappuccino no water with added froth and specs of light cinnamon that gently cleanse your palate…with a smile.” If waiting in line doesn’t take long enough, don’t worry. It will take the guy behind the counter ten minutes to read out the ridiculous drinks the people in front of you have ordered.
