My old friend Donald Trump just stopped by my apartment. We greeted each other, and then he said “Jeff! There are a lot of people on this campus who are incompetent and need to be fired! Let’s go fire them!”

“Lead the way!” I replied.

So Donald and I walked down to D.H. Hill, and as we were passing Harrelson, we heard a harsh voice cut through the morning air of the Brickyard:

“Homosexuality is evil! Women are instruments of sin! Breathing is a tool of the devil!”

“What’s this?” Donald said. He stormed up to Gary the Brickyard preacher and got in his face.

“You, sir, are loud and obnoxious, and your fanaticism is serving no purpose but to alienate people from Christianity!”

“But, I’m a campus preacher,” Gary replied. “I’m supposed to be a loud, obnoxious fanatic who alienates people from Christianity!”

“No!” Donald said. “You’re fired!” Then he turned to me. “Jeff, we’ve fired this preacher, but where will we find a replacement?”

I scanned the ground for a moment and found a rock. “Here we go!” I said, picking it up. “This guy would be a perfect Brickyard preacher! He never talks, he doesn’t need food and he certainly won’t alienate anybody from Christianity!”

“Great! You’re hired!” Donald said to the rock, and we set Mr. Rock down on the bricks and walked off, pleased at having found a suitable replacement so quickly.

Next, I took Donald into the library, and logged onto my Facebook account. We came across a photo of a girl drinking a beer, and I mentioned that several students had been disciplined because of their Facebook photos.

“What?” Donald shouted. So we went and found every one of the RAs involved in the Facebook persecution scandal, and Donald scolded them while I watched, grinning.

“You had no right to spy on these students! Don’t you losers have lives? Don’t you have anything better to do than try to catch your residents doing illegal things?”

“But it’s our job to catch them,” one RA said.

“No,” Donald said. “Your job is to bust them when they do something stupid — when they carry a can of beer into the hall, say. You people take your jobs way too seriously! You’re all fired!”

“Who’s gonna replace us?” one RA asked.

Donald looked at me. “Beavers,” I said.

So Donald and I went down to Jordan Lake and caught two or three dozen beavers and installed them as new RAs. I may add that these beavers have become very popular, and everyone agrees they are doing their jobs far better than any of the nitwits responsible for the Facebook fiasco.

Next, Donald and I walked into the Student Government offices in Witherspoon, and by chance, we walked in upon a meeting of all the candidates for the upcoming Student Body Election.

“Student Government is a joke!” Donald erupted, as soon as he entered the room. “You have no real power, you don’t change anything, you’re just seeking these offices because they’re helpful to your careers! You’re all fired!”

“You can’t fire us, we’re not even elected yet!” someone said.

“Silence!” Mr. Trump thundered. “Jeff, where can we find replacements for all these sorry candidates?”

“Umm… there’s a Coke machine down the hall.”

“Excellent!” said Mr. Trump. So Donald and I bought a Coke, a Dr. Pepper and a Mountain Dew, and had them installed as candidates for student body president. My money’s on Dr. Pepper; I believe that if elected, his presidency will be at least as dynamic and productive as that of any of his predecessors. Plus, someone can drink him, so he will actually confer a tangible benefit upon the student body.

Donald and I walked away, satisfied with our work. Just then Donald said, “Hold on, we got one more stop to make.” I followed Donald down the hall and into the Technician offices on the third floor.

“All right!” he shouted out. “Where’s Jeff Gaither?”

“I’m right here, Donald,” I replied.

“You’re Jeff Gaither? Then you’re fired!”

“Aw, not so fast. I am writing a column and you are just a character! In fact, YOU are fired, Mr. Trump!”

“Me? You can’t fire me!”

“Wanna bet?”

Donald Trump picked up a magic marker from the whiteboard and drew a Hitler moustache on himself, then began to declaim on the merits of National Socialism and anti-Semitism. We got several good photographs. The story will appear tomorrow probably.

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