Every once in a while, I hear the question: “Is it better to be a guy or a girl?” This is a very broad question, and of course a single column cannot do it justice. However, there is a special case of this question which CAN be answered in a single column: “Is it better to be a man or a woman, as far as dating is concerned?” In considering this question, I will divide the dating process into two stages: predate and date.
Predate:
As we all know, it is the man’s place to ask the woman out. I have occasionally heard of girls asking out guys, but in each such case, the guy said no. Generally speaking, the guy asks and the girl answers.
On the face of it, then, it would seem the girl has the advantage. She runs no risk; she does not put her self-esteem on the line; all she has to do is say yes or no. There is no courage or risk involved in being asked out, any more than it requires courage or entails risk to be asked the time of day.
However, the flip side of this coin, which places the advantage (in my opinion) squarely on the man’s side, is that the woman is powerless. She cannot ask the man out; she must wait for him. All she can do is make clear, through flirtation and eye contact, that she wishes to be asked. And even then, if the guy does not ask, she cannot be sure that he is really not interested; he might just be shy, or waiting for the proper opportunity.
It is true that the man runs a risk of rejection when he asks her, but at least he can ask; at least he has the power. The difference between men and women in the predate process is the difference between the quarterback and the receiver. A receiver can run brilliant routes all day, but if the quarterback’s not going to throw, he’s not going to throw, and that’s all there is to it.
Date:
Once the woman says yes, however, the advantage shifts squarely to her side. The reason for this is that she knows, quite well, that the guy is interested in her, while the guy, on the other hand, remains ignorant of her opinion on himself. For all he knows, she might have agreed to go on the date out of simple curiosity, or even pity. It is incumbent upon the man, then, to WIN the woman’s affections, MAKE her like him, and this is no easy task, particularly if the woman plays her hand well.
And, indeed, a wise woman will play her advantage for all it is worth. A wise woman will act bored at times, rarely smile, greet a few of her date’s jokes with silence and, in general, leave her date in a state of complete uncertainty regarding her true feelings. This way, she will preserve a social ascendancy over her suitor and, if she is clever, carry that ascendancy into the relationship itself.
There are two ways a man can counter this tactic. The first is to charm the pants off the woman (in a figurative sense.) However, because most men are not charming (I am not, at any rate) and a failed attempt at charm is extremely humiliating and counterproductive, the average man is better off trying a different tack.
That is, he should turn the tables on the woman and use the same method on her. He should act as though he is not particularly concerned about how the date turns out, as though it is all on him whether she likes him. If his will is stronger than hers, she will become uncertain regarding his true feelings and will work to win his affection, and then he will know she likes him, and the battle will be won.
A problem occurs, however, when two strong-willed people use this tactic on each other. I have known two mutually attracted people to go on a date and each be convinced at the end that the other found him or her boring and unattractive, and thus they had no second date. It works much better if only one person plays hard-to-get, not both.
As usual, this column should be regarded as hyperbole, with a solid foundation of truth beneath it.
E-mail Jeff at [email protected]
