I watched the first inning of the Yankees’ game yesterday, and it got me thinking about baseball. I am usually thinking about sex, so it was only a short leap from “baseball” to all those baseball-sex euphemisms: “first base,” “second base” and so on.

And I wondered: Why confine the analogy to the four bases? There are a great many other baseball terms that have natural analogs in the human dating and mating processes.

First of all, there is a plain old strikeout. Now, in baseball, a strikeout is the worst possible outcome for a batter, but in the dating process, a strikeout is not so bad. A guy “strikes out” with a girl if their entire date is such a resounding failure that he does not even try to kiss her. If you strike out, don’t even bother trying to get to first base; you won’t. In fact, it’s against the rules.

Striking out is better than grounding out, however. A “groundout” occurs when the guy tries to kiss the girl but fails. If he moves in slowly, this is like a hard grounder to second; in this case the girl will back casually away and make the play easily. Or the guy might try to kiss the girl very suddenly and unexpectedly. This “sudden kiss” is analogous to a soft grounder to third, and the girl must have Gold-Glove reflexes if she wishes to jerk away in time and get her suitor out.

Then, there is the “blooper to left-center.” I use this term because a blooper to left-center is usually a single, but may be stretched into a double by an alert and fleet-footed base runner. If the guy has hit a blooper to left-center, he may make it to first base easily and try to get to second; but a stiffening on the girl’s part, which is comparable to a quick, hard throw from the left-fielder, will warn him that a single is all he’s going to get. In this case he is advised to be content with his single; a single is good, and other at-bats will come.

Here is another way in which the batter, or the suitor, can get himself out. Sometimes the batter will hit a hard grounder down the right-field line, and, tearing around the bases at top speed, slide safely into third for a triple. However, in his hurriedness, the batter may make a critical error: he may miss second base. In this case, the second baseman has only to call for the ball and touch second base, and the batter is out.

Similarly, I have heard of guys missing second base and going straight from first to third.

I have never done this. It is a pretty big jump from second to third, and if you extend this distance still further and try to skip second completely, the woman may decide that she is not quite ready for this big step — or may simply be annoyed that you have not revved her up properly — and leave you with a single, or even throw you out.

Whereas, if you touch second base, you build up the intimacy in a smooth progression and have a much better chance of reaching third and eventually home.

Another baseball circumstance that has a natural counterpart in sex is the “error.” The batter may hit a hard grounder, which under ordinary circumstances would be an easy play for the shortstop. But the shortstop may toss the ball 50 feet over first base, and the batter make it all the way to third. In this case the batter has reached base not through any prowess of his own, but simply through the ineptitude of the other team’s defense.

The woman is the defense in the game of dating-baseball. So what is her error, which allows the guy to get extra bases? Two words: being drunk.

If the woman is drunk, then her fielding capabilities are materially diminished, and pathetic male advances, which under ordinary circumstances would be easy outs, may pass as singles, doubles, triples or even home runs.

Finally, there is the good old “walk.” The implication of “walk” is that the guy can reach first base and perhaps beyond simply by not swinging. Some women become intrigued when guys do not swing, and the more the guy doesn’t swing, the more intrigued they become. Thus, standing there with your bat on your shoulder and giving no indication that you wish to score is sometimes a very good way to reach base.

However, this technique should be used with caution. There are many women who, when they realize that the guy is deliberately not swinging, will throw three fastballs down the middle and send him back to the dugout. It is generally better to go down swinging.

Throw at Jeff’s head at [email protected].