You remember Nickelodeon GUTS, don’t you? Well, if you don’t, then you’re just not cultured enough for this column. Sorry. Might I suggest the crossword puzzle, or the sudoku? Those are always pretty good. Heck, who am I kidding; I’ll join you there in a second.

However, to the refined individuals on campus: Surely you’ve noticed how your college experience is exactly like GUTS. Think about it; I promise it makes sense.

The Extreme Arena is a perfect metaphor for your college experience. You struggle and falter, even though you encounter nothing harder than a Nerf bat. You trip over each hurdle, even though you have a bungee cord attached to your back. Why does it matter? You know these little events are meaningless. You just want a piece of that glowing rock.

That’s right, the Aggro Crag. You want a piece of the Aggro Crag. We might call it a degree or a graduation ceremony, but whatever. You know you have to scale that thing, and you know that getting to the top equals a win. It doesn’t matter what you did throughout the rest of the show.

And thank your lucky stars that it doesn’t. Assuming you bathe and don’t watch Japanese animation, it’s likely that you’ve done some sinful things in college (some of you just furiously sprayed Cheetos onto the paper — calm down before you write that e-mail, and shave that beard on your neck while you’re at it).

Yeah, I’m talking to you too, Campus Crusade. Don’t play — we know there’s a reason you’re in church on Sundays, and it’s not to put a five in the collection plate.

But that’s OK — we should be glad that scaling the nuclear mountain is all that matters. It’s something that can bring us together, despite our differences. Watch that Chinese girl climb next to the white boy; America sure can be touching. Wow, she sure is beating him.

And what will you do once you grab a piece of the Crag, adventurer? Will you do great things? Will you change the world? I’m sure you have all the answers. I mean, you DID just climb that huge rock. At the very least that makes you more competent than the kids playing senator in Student Government, although I’m afraid that’s not saying much.

I think I know just what you might do. You’ll realize that you left your glory atop the Crag. The majority of you won’t have that level of attention again until your mug shot appears on the nightly news. Naturally, you didn’t do it. Neither did I.

Well, who cares? Who needs the attention? You’re too good to shamelessly seek attention, aren’t you? What’s that? The champagne room is $200? Is it more expensive because you have a degree? Sure, that’s a very cute Delta Zeta tattoo, whatever you say. Oh, you drew it yourself. Now that’s something.

But it all comes full circle, no worries. You get to watch me struggle up my own personal Aggro Crag. I’m struggling with my own heavy stones in this column and you, my friends, are accompanying me on the journey. Six hundred words, no more, no less. A topic dropped in my lap, a column coerced, extracted, and published. Signed, sealed, delivered, and you actually read it. You deserve a toxic rock of your own, I must say. It’s my treat — tell Rufus on S. Saunders that Mike sent you.

But let’s get to the point, if there is one. Enjoy the Aggro Crag. Don’t just bask in the glow of your own piece, but enjoy the climb. It’s not every day you get to play with rocks and call it hard work.

Spill your GUTS to Mike at [email protected]