You could go white-water rafting on a river of the beer I have consumed in my lifetime. As such, I have a very broad knowledge of drinking, drinks and drunkards. So in this column, I’d like to share my knowledge of the world of alcohol, and list the various species of drunkards I have met (or been) in my wicked, yet tremendously enjoyable history.
The Beast
The Beast is the drunkard to end all drunkards. He arrives at a party, drinks his beers twice as fast as anyone else, and is usually poop-faced before the sun goes down. Once drunk, he behaves just as his name implies: like a beast – a dog, specifically. He says whatever is on his mind, with no more consideration than a dog exercises before it barks. Like a dog, he is curious and addresses himself to anyone who strikes his fancy, and like a dog, he is completely without shame. He will puke on the floor with no more hesitation than a canine, and the only difference between himself and the dog is that he will not lick it up.
The Beast may go up to a random woman, to whom he has never spoken in his life, and rate her on a scale of 1 – 10. He may also offer unsolicited observations regarding her anatomy, which will generally earn him a slap.
The Beast is belligerent, too; he may cuss out a total stranger (or group of strangers) for any number of reasons, or none at all. For this reason, the Beast is usually beaten up on some occasion in his drinking career.
The Beast is a beast for the simple reason that he cannot handle alcohol. He should, therefore, avoid it altogether, for if he persists in his drunkenness, he will eventually ruin his life.
The Confider
The Confider is fine, up to a certain number of beers. Once he gets drunk enough, however, he begins his usual procedure. He adopts a sentimental, dramatic air, and says something like, “Are you a man of your word?,” “Can I trust you?” or “I’ve never told this to anyone before,” in a silly, effeminate sort of voice. Upon the listener’s answering “Yes,” or “I suppose,” or “I don’t know, man,” the Confider will make his revelation.
The revelation may be tame: the fact that he has a crush on some woman, say. But generally it is worse, more dramatic, and something the listener could do without knowing. It may involve childhood abuse, or some disgraceful act of fornication, or it may even be a confession of inferior genitalia. Regardless of what it is, it is generally awful to hear, and makes the listener highly uncomfortable.
The best way to deal with the Confider is, when he asks if he can trust you, say “No.”
The Self-Medicator
The Self-Medicator is an interesting species of drunkard. He is a shy fellow, having little to say, and therefore feels ill at ease at a party. So, to enable himself to converse as a normal human being does, he is obliged to drink. He drinks until his nervousness is gone and he is capable of being one of the gang.
The Self-Medicator’s problem is that he has a lot of nervousness to get rid of, so by the time he has washed it all away, he is very, very drunk. So, by the time he has drowned his nervousness, he is incapable of behaving like a sane human being.
The Self-Medicator, once drunk, may seat himself, uninvited, at a table of two acquaintances, and ask them, in a hopeless, exaggerated tone, how their semesters are going. He will then make ridiculous replies to their answers, in a vain attempt to mimic social prowess. In general, the Self-Medicator would be better off not drinking at all; when sober, he is quiet and neutral, but when drunk, he is annoying, pathetic and creepy.
I should stress that this column is not a commentary on the intrinsic worth of any of these people, or their value or likeability as human beings. Any member of these three species might be perfectly cool, funny and worthy of friendship, so long as he is sober. However, if such a person persists in drinking, he may find that he is obliged to become an even worse alcoholic than he already is and drink alone.
Report your discovery of a new species of drunkard at [email protected].
