My fellow Americans, illegal immigrants and Democrats:

Well, I really didn’t want to give this speech tonight. You wouldn’t either. With a whoppin’ 35 percent job approval rating, I’m not exactly Mr. Popular these days.

But was I ever? Sticks and stones can break my bones, but polls can never hurt me.

You know, that ole’ Arkansas boy, Bill, and I have never had much in common. Our Oval Office experiences have been far from the same — if you know what I mean. I’m sure Hillary agrees.

But lately, I’d have to say that I have a new appreciation for Bill’s last two years here on Pennsylvania Avenue. It’s like all you people out there just elect us again and then throw us out to suffer with all these whiny, boring sons-of-a-gun like Harry Reid. No offense, Harry.

It just seems that everyone’s out to get me. If it’s not the terrorists, then it’s Nancy Pelosi. When she takes a break, it’s you media people. Speaking of the media, you little journalists have messed it all up.

You go out there with your little pads and pens, twisting those stories to fit your whacked agendas. Americans — you might be better off finding out what’s going on around the world from MTV News. It’s Dick’s new favorite.

Yes, I want to remind you of one thing tonight, Americans — W’s still the president and he’s still making the decisions around here. That’s right. CNN and rest of ya’ can continue to run Election 2008 stories all you want, but I’m still the one giving this State of the Union address. Go to hell, Wolf Blitzer.

Sure, Barack Obama is young and he graduated from Harvard Law School. But remember — I went to Harvard and Yale. Plus, Obama sounds like “Osama” and he has big ears. Wait your turn, kid.

As for Hillary, she got beat out by that Lewinsky girl. ‘Nuff said.

Now, I can’t talk bad about those other folks running as God-bless-America Republicans. You poke them and they bleed out red, white and blue. There are so many good guys on our side that I wish we could elect two or three presidents in 2008. But remember — W’s still here.

Many of you pessimistic, unpatriotic citizens out there might say that it’s been a rough year for America. OK, so I can admit it like a cowboy. The War in Iraq is killing our boys and girls, and taking too much tax money. My comrades in the party tell me that I can’t keep spending like this.

But, if most of you were honest, you would have to give me some more job approval points for trying to fix the problem. I fired Don. I came up with a new plan to win the war. Heck, I even sent my best friend, Condi, to the region.

Oh, and might I mention that the evil, evil, evil Sadaam Hussein is rotting in the ground?

What you no-good, complaining Democrats out there don’t understand is that our economy is at an all-time high. Our employment rate is at a low 4.6 percent. The Dow Jones closed at a high of 12567.92 last Thursday. And, you all know what’s going on with the gasoline prices. Why is this? Republicans know the economy, and we’re here to fix Jimmy Carter’s mistakes.

So, there.

Now, we’ve got some more work to do this year. I’m not here to be bi-partisan and give out group hugs. But I’ll compromise with you, Congress. You’ll get the minimum wage hike and we’ll agree to humanely put an end to illegal immigration. We’ll find alternative fuel solutions. We might even mention going to Mars again.

However, you better not cross me on funding for the military or passing my No Child Left Behind legislation. Senator Kennedy — you’re family is already cursed.

The main point, my fellow citizens, is that it’s going to be an ugly two years. I can take it. Georgie will take the battle to the terrorists, the North Koreans, that guy in Iran, and Nancy Pelosi. Yeehaw!

God Bless You and God Bless Texas,

George W. BushStill the President

E-mail Forrest your State of the Union at [email protected].